There have been acres of print written, TV hours committed, and fury and anger in the streets directed at the issue of gender – is it only male and female or more nuanced than that?
My personal view is that you can be whatever you want to be just don’t preach to others about what they have to think. But is it possible to be born in the wrong body?
To help clear the fog, it’s prudent to dig deeper into this complex question. I met with Liz Beck, an absolute powerhouse who founded AspiringHR, an external HR consultancy, working with clients such as Hugo Boss, Central England Co-op, Mid Sussex District Council and Miller Harris, along with an array of smaller local companies where her brand of no-nonsense advice is highly prized, highly effective, and highly sought after.
Liz gave birth to Callie 19 years ago and, by the age of five, realised that this child was not like most other boys. I had the pleasure of sitting down with Liz and Callie to chat with two open, honest and intelligent women about this very challenging situation.
Interview by Maarten Hoffmann
Maarten Hoffmann: Lovely to meet you, Callie. Please excuse me if l get the terminology wrong. I do have a certain fear of the incorrect phrase being taken the wrong way, and upsetting people.
Callie: Don’t worry at all. You should meet my grandfather if you want to hear someone always getting it wrong! But I’m not sensitive at all so let’s go.
MH: Tell me where your journey began.
Callie: I am often asked that. For me, it wasn’t a light bulb moment. I always knew something was off from about five or six years old but my Mum says she saw it from age two. The minute I could get into her wardrobe I would dive in there and clomp around in her shoes, her pearls and necklaces.
MH: How is that any different to many boys who play dress-up at such a young age?
Liz: It was the total lack of any interest in boys’ toys. She was always buried in my wardrobe and walking around in my dresses and high-heeled shoes. I once tried to get her to play with toy cars and she spent the entire time putting them in colour and shade order.
In shops she would gravitate to the kitchen utensils; in clothing shops, she would always head straight for the girls’ section with absolutely zero interest in anything to do with boys. It was clear to me that this was very different from boys who just have phases.
MH: At the age of five, what was it that you felt was so different?
Callie: It was just a gut feeling. I had no male friends, was always playing dress up with the girls, and never wanted dirty hands or to play boys’ games. I had no concept of what I was supposed to do, and that left me free to do whatever felt natural. It was only at secondary school that I realised that my behaviour and outlook were different.
Liz: It was at this time that we just assumed our child must be gay. It didn’t dawn on us at that time that it had little to do with that, and that Callie might have been born in the wrong body. We were on a beach walk when she was eleven, and the subject came up.
Callie: I had been thinking about it for the whole time and towards the end I built up the courage to say, “Mum, I have been dressing as a girl for years with my friends and I want to change my name now.”
Read Liz’s AspiringHR feature on Page 34
MH: How did you react to this conversation, Liz?
Liz: I remember it very clearly. She said to me, “Mum, I’m not gay, I’m a girl.” But it was a couple of years before that when she piped up from the back of the car and said, “Mum, I will never forgive you for this.” I was a bit taken aback and just thought, “Oh, here we go, what have I done now?” like any parent would. I asked what she meant. She replied, “You got it wrong, I’m not meant to be a boy.”
My husband and I looked at each other and I quickly realised that Callie thought I had ‘baked the child wrong,’ and was innocently blaming me for giving birth to the wrong-gendered child.
Therefore, during the beach walk it all came together in my head in an instant. I thought, “Shit, I know that’s true, but how do I make that not true?” That’s not because I had an issue with it, but the enormity of what lay ahead for my child.
Then she announced she was going to speak to the headmaster at school about it all– a private inter-denominational mixed school!
MH: How did that meeting go?
Callie: I was really nervous but that was balanced out by knowing I might be paving the way for others to step forward, so I didn’t have any choice; I had to have the conversation.
I said I wanted to start wearing the girls’ uniform and change my name. He responded, “That’s fine. Go for it, no problem at all.” It was hugely liberating to know I had that support.
MH: I think most of us would be surprised at his reaction. I doubt many people would have expected a catholic school headmaster to offer that type of response.
Callie: Absolutely and I have never taken that for granted. The next day, there I was in the girls’ uniform and skirt, walking along to school when a bunch of my friends crossed the road and surrounded me with hugs. At that point, I finally felt normal, like everything had fallen into place. It was a huge milestone for me – and for the school – and I didn’t have a single issue with any of the boys either.
MH: Were you fully aware of some of the ordeals and horrors that many people in your position have gone through during this transition?
Callie: Very. Now I’m at University, and others have a very different journey.
MH: I have heard horror stories from other trans individuals about the school saying, “Don’t be ridiculous,
of course, you can’t wear the girls’ uniform…” Children can be amazingly supportive, but others can be insanely cruel, bullying you and generally rejecting you from their society which, sadly, sometimes leads to more serious complications.
Do you feel like a trailblazer and someone that others can look up to?
Callie: I understand that but I refuse to be a show pony. I am studying law at University and I want to be known for my dedication and success in the legal field, not my personal life.
MH: I wonder if, in time, you might find great satisfaction in being a figurehead in some way for trans kids who are going through the horrors you dodged?
Callie: Perhaps in time. But at the moment, I am just enjoying finally being comfortable in my own skin. Externally, I haven’t faced any push back but internally, of course, I’ve endured huge challenges – feeling isolated and confused, and very depressed.
Liz: I think it’s worth saying here that the external journey has not been quite so smooth for us as parents. Trying to get your child diagnosed is a real challenge, the Tavistock Clinic has now been closed down but we managed to get in just before the end. There is only one hospital in the entire country that will assess people under 18 and at that age your body is going
in the opposite direction.
MH: I understand that, ideally, you need puberty blockers before puberty begins and therefore that is much earlier than 18.
Liz: Yes, and as puberty blockers stop it all going in the wrong direction, Callie didn’t have the benefits of those. But in a way, we are not sorry about that because you can be more confident about the child’s choice.
Callie was going on this journey regardless but it is extremely traumatic. Sadly, you do need endless amounts of cash and the ability to do in-depth research to find your way through the jungle of red tape – and that is just to get assessments to prove something you already know about yourself. It’s almost like you’re asking for a permission slip to be who you are.
After this traumatic journey for Callie, in three days’ time, she finally gets her confirmation surgery and will be complete as the woman she is. This is an integration process, otherwise this can be really damaging. Things like photos of childhood around the house make her uncomfortable and have to be changed. But you cannot act as if someone died because they didn’t. We have to work to integrate the whole experience. Her entire wardrobe had to be changed and so on – there are so many elements to this.
Rishi Sunak has recently threatened a proposal that says that you will only be treated or assessed in a hospital ward based on your biological sex, regardless of your Gender Recognition Certificate. I worry what that will mean for the social prejudices that Callie may face with future employers. These kinds of approaches merely add to the complexities for the trans individual.
MH: Callie, how do you feel about the politics surrounding the trans debate?
Callie: All that matters is my future as a woman. My focus has been pulled recently as the surgery is just around the corner* so I have not paid that much attention to politics nor any proposed changes to the law recently. We will have to see what the next government thinks about the trans debate.
* Callie’s final completion surgery took place on June 17th.
MH: As you are studying law, do you think that at some point in your career, you might get involved in making changes to legislation on trans issues?
Callie: In time, who knows? That’s the dilemma I face at the moment as law is an amazing foundation. I plan to do my Masters after that, I will therefore be in a better position to consider it at the time.
However, in truth, I want to avoid any ‘victim’ narrative. I don’t want to be known for being trans but to be accepted on merit as a lawyer.
MH: Let’s return to the Tavistock Clinic. I understand why it was closed as so many of the kids being treated were shown to be autistic or have some other form of neurodivergence. The treatment is irreversible so many issues came out of it. But for you, the clinic was heaven on earth in accepting who you are and treating you. Do you recognise these issues?
Callie: Absolutely. The case of Keira Bell is a prime example, as she went through the system, changed her mind and then pursued
the Tavistock for not getting it right. I have sympathy, but cases like this have left others in a very difficult position. For those of us who are 100% sure, we desperately need the treatment and support.
MH: I can see that but I do think there will soon be a tsunami of lawsuits brought against the Tavistock by kids who feel they were taken too seriously when they turned up, confused about their identity, and the speed with which the Tavistock went about prescribing life-changing drugs. But l see so clearly having met you that the dichotomy is caused when genuine cases, such as yours, are deeply affected by one person who changed their mind. When did you first start taking such medication?
Callie: On April 5th last year, I turned 18. It’s a blocker, not the puberty blocker as that was banned last year for anyone under the age of 18, so mine’s an injection that blocks the secretion of testosterone. I take synthetic oestrogen tablets alongside that; it’s essentially HRT.
MH: How did you feel after taking this medication for the first time?
Callie: The hit was entirely emotional as having just been through puberty I then had to adjust. It was very confusing at first. Physically, there were some other signs, such as decreased hair growth, and my skin has improved since the tablets.
MH: You have had breast implants. When was that and how did you feel afterwards?
Callie: It was in April last year and it felt incredible. It was one of the final stepping stones to completion and it means I can wear bras and swimsuits. It really helped me mentally.
MH: How do you feel about your completion surgery on Monday?
Callie: I’m very excited and over the moon but of course, it’s a huge deal and it is sinking in. This is the final physical stepping stone and after this, I know it wont be all it’s all puppies and rainbows. I know when I wake up there will be challenges and there will be considerable adjustments but this is what I have always wanted and I can’t wait.
MH: How do you think it will feel when you walk out of that hospital next week?
Callie: It’s a ball of confusion but l will be walking out as I have always felt, a woman. But there are things to deal with. Family pictures for example are littered with pictures of me as a very young child, and I have asked Mum if can we change them all to represent who I really am. I don’t identify with that person. It’s like looking at another child but I can quite understand the issues this caused for my parents.
Liz: As a parent, I’m bloody terrified.
But for any parent reading this who might be going through the same things, I can only say that my view of things changed fundamentally when I read a book called About a Girl, by Rebekah Robertson. It’s about an Australian family going through the trans issue and the girl involved was an actress on Neighbours.
I consumed this book one Christmas when Callie was about 15. This mother fought the authorities and went through what we are going through. This was over 20 years ago, and that fight would have been much tougher than ours. It taught me that I needed to be there for Callie, that she needed the Mother/Daughter bond, and she needed my female energy.
I needed to just scoop her up and there was something in that moment that made me realise that humans must know who they are at an identity level. It doesn’t get much clearer than this. You have to have courage, determination and dignity to live in this world the way you need to be.
Small things have huge resonance – when I was a kid, I dropped out and was pretty much a lost cause and on a path to disaster. I was lucky because a couple of people ‘saw’ me and backed me. I hope that’s what we have conveyed to Callie.
Personal agency is everything, work hard to find out who you are and whatever goes on outside, you have to be able to come home, and I don’t mean home to family although that’s so important. I mean come home to yourself.
For every woman out there, trans, straight, black, white, disabled, a CEO dealing with a male board whatever, regardless of how you see yourself you have to find some personal anchor, an internal compass so that you know who you are, as life can be tough and you have to know who you are to ensure you can come back to yourself to be ready to face the world tomorrow.
And this is not exclusive to women. Men are having a torrid time with depression and suicide being higher than they ever have been. You have to have that internal anchor to hold you firm to withstand the pressures of day-to-day life.
MH: Callie, what’s your message to any of our readers who might be going through this or parents whose child might be?
Callie: Just… listen. Parents, there is so much to learn, and the best thing you can do is listen to your child and love them through it.
Editor’s thoughts
I am totally in awe of Callie. How she has dealt with the past 19 years, the person she has become, the emotional intelligence she displays on the wider trans subject, and the total joy I saw in her eyes when we spoke of her surgery is just inspiring. The same goes for Liz. I am sure Callie would have got there in the end but the supportive and loving attitude she has displayed means she will get there in one piece, not scarred by prejudice, horror stories and rejection. The fact that Callie has such a blessed story is, in no small part, down to her.
Callie had her confirmation surgery on June 17th and l can confirm that it all went well, and she is recovering at home surrounded by her family. l would image she cannot take the smile off her face. When she is fully recovered, l will be chatting to her again.
I am in awe of them both and should you, dear reader, have any doubts about it being possible to be born in the wrong body, l trust this has dispelled them once and for all.
